K M Walker

Have more and better sex - with your wife

^{Discussing sex can be awkward - with your spouse or your physician.  Read this list of ten suggestions and see what you think. Then take it home and leave it on the nightstand or in the bathroom.  Hopefully it will start a conversation that makes sparks fly.}

^{Sex can be many things - mind blowing, squishy, tender, frantic or loving. When a couple has been together over time, they’ve shared each other’s histories and bodies. That bond can make sex both powerful and pleasurable}

^{Sometimes though, life gets busy - and we don’t. Sex gets elbowed of the priority list. Less sex can damage our relationships and our damaged relationships can lead to less sex. Not great for anyone.}

Most men can enjoy sex, if they don’t have a medical problem getting or keeping an erection. For women, sex may not be so easy. Women need to feel healthy, safe and good about themselves. A woman can (and should) check with her doctor for medical problems (like hormone imbalances, depression or drug side effects) that can interfere her sex life.

If you are both healthy, other issues can send a couples’ sexy train of the rails. These are things you can do to get it back on track. The payoff could be mind blowing.

1. THE SEX SLAYER.

If a woman says she’s too tired for sex, the most likely reason is - she’s too tired. She may be taking care of kids, working long hours or going to school (or both), grocery shopping, making meals, doing laundry, paying bills, keeping the house together, helping older parents and driving to after-school activities. Getting to the end of each day can be exhausting.

YOU CAN:

* Not initiate sex at the end of a long day. You don’t want sex to become another “chore” for her to get through. Especially if it’s keeping her from what she needs - more sleep.
* Offer to take on some responsibilities. Vacuum (very sexy!), pick up the dishes or put the kids to bed. (Women - let your partner help. S/he may do the task diferently than you, but that’s OK. Be grateful, not critical.) Then she can have time to take a bath, read a magazine or just breathe for a minute. She might be more ready to connect after a break.
* Take the kids to a movie or the park for the afternoon.
* Have sex when she’s more rested - earlier in the evening, in the morning or on a weekend afternoon.

2. WATCHING JIMMY FALLON ISN’T FOREPLAY. 

As couples get comfortable with each other over time (a good thing), they may skip foreplay (a bad thing). For many women, this can be the best part of sex - kissing, touching, connecting. Also, as women age, their bodies need more stimulation to get aroused.

YOU CAN:

* Touch her when you’re not in bed. Give her a hug when she’s not expecting it. Brush past her and touch her waist. Caress her hair while watching a movie together. If she feels more connected to you during the day, she may be more into sex at night.
* Change things up. Put some thought into how to make sex fresh and exciting. Suggest a different place in the house or trying a new position (start simple and work up to Kama Sutra crazy). Try toys, role playing or costumes - have fun with it. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination and comfort level.  

3. COMMUNICATE WELL.

Often. Clearly. Repeat.

YOU CAN:

* Not let familiarity breed rudeness. You should be as polite to your life partner as you are to a bank teller (at least!).
* Listen when she tells you what she wants - in and out of bed. (Seems simple, but so we often don’t). If she hasn’t told you - ask.
* Send a text saying you’re thinking about her during the day.
* Laugh together. Humor can smooth out life’s rough edges. (Just be sure it’s not a weapon, aimed at her.)

4. PREVENT INTERRUPTIONS.

If a woman is worried that a child (or grandchild) will walk in or overhear while you are making love, she may not be able to relax.

YOU CAN:

* Put a lock on the bedroom door.
* Have the kids stay with a relative or trusted friend overnight, so you have the house to yourselves.
* Turn of your cell phone, tablet and the TV.
* Put away your work and focus on each other.

5. WHERE BABIES COME FROM.

If a woman is worried about getting pregnant, she may be anxious about sex.

YOU CAN:

* Decide together what you will do for birth control. She can discuss her options with her doctor.
* Men can consider condoms or vasectomy.
* If you ARE trying to get pregnant, don’t always make sex about making a baby. Focus on staying connected - you’ll be better partners AND parents.

6. EVERY BODY’S BEAUTIFUL, IN THEIR OWN WAY.

We live in a world where even supermodels are photoshopped. These ridiculous, unattainable expectations can make women ashamed of their (normal) bodies. Most women gain weight, have gray hair and get wrinkles over time. (To be fair, most men gain weight, lose hair and get wrinkles too.) If a woman is embarrassed to be naked, it’s hard to have good sex.

YOU CAN:

* Tell her she is beautiful. Often. Remind her that you chose her of all the women on earth and you want her. (Men are usually less critical of women than we are of ourselves.)
* Exercise together. Go to the gym, take a walk after dinner, ride bikes or dance together. Exercise can make your heart healthier, increase endurance and gives you an activity to share. (Exercise also releases endorphins, which can make her brain happy and more interested in sex.)

7. DATING 2.0

The thrill of new love comes from another person being completely focused on you - listening to your story, caring about your dreams, wanting to be with you. In our split screen world, the gift of undivided attention is rare and beautiful. Fast forward a few years, and a couple’s conversations are often about the “business” of marriage - who is picking up the kids, paying bills or taking out the trash - not very sexy stuff.

YOU CAN:

* Schedule a date (once a week, twice a month) when the two of you spend time alone together (not in bed). Put it on the calendar, or it won’t happen. Talk about yourselves - not finances, schedules or even kids.
* Hygiene matters. Put some thought into what you’ll wear - imagine her reaction if you were picking her up at the front door. You’ve seen each other naked for years, but she’d still like to kiss you after you’ve brushed your teeth.
* Think about how many hours you spend each week at work. Commit to spending time each week (even 2 hours) on the most important relationship in your life.

8. RESENTMENT DROWNS DESIRE.

It should be obvious, but if a man disrespects a woman - by belittling her, ignoring her, neglecting her, lying to her, or cheating on her - she probably won’t want to have sex with him.

YOU CAN:

* Apologize. Sincerely. Specifically. With a plan - to not repeat the hurtful behavior. (To be clear - you are not apologizing for HER feelings - you are apologizing for YOUR actions.) No one is perfect. Marriage requires forgiveness, but forgiveness flows more freely when you are genuinely sorry.
* Get outside help for frequent, vicious arguments. One article to get you started is: 7 Tips to Finding a Great Marriage Counselor at guidedoc.com 

9. OLD BELIEFS DIE HARD.

Many women (and men) were raised to think of sex as sinful and dirty. Moving past strict religious or cultural beliefs can be tough, even in a loving marriage. Your wife may struggle to let go enough to enjoy sex or she may feel guilty afterwards.

YOU CAN:

* Let her know she is a good person who deserves to feel good about herself, her body and your relationship.
* Find a resource in your faith tradition - “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex” by Sheila Wray Gregoire is one Christian option.

10. ABUSE HURTS

One out of every three women is sexually assaulted (think about that - ONE IN THREE). Even in a safe, caring relationship, sex can trigger reminders of past abuse.

YOU CAN:

* Be supportive, understanding and gentle. Your love can help her heal.
* She may need counseling and trauma therapy to work through her fears. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is a nationwide anti-sexual violence organization. You can reach them at (800) 656-HOPE or rainn.org.

BONUS:

11. SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK AND ROLL.

* You may both enjoy a drink or two, but a serious drug or alcohol problem is deadly - to you, your loved ones and your relationship. Even smaller amounts of alcohol can interfere with sexual performance.

YOU CAN:

* Get help if addiction is affecting your life and your relationship.
* The American Society of Addiction Medicine has info about resources throughout the country at www.asam.org.

A FINAL THOUGHT: LIFE IS HARD. SEX IS GOOD. ENJOY BOTH.